At 22, I Fell In Love For The First Time
It took me years to figure out what falling in love truly meant
Throughout my teens, I never quite figured out what it meant to be “in love”. I have never found someone that I’ll do anything for, and I have never found someone whom I was deeply attracted to. Superficial crushes throughout my teens could fade away after one winter break of not seeing each other in school, and my heart will float to the next cute guy. I knew deep down that that wasn’t love.
I never quite understood why I still had not found “my person” after such a long time. In the meantime, friends around me started to hang out with their partners more often than they did with me. I felt left out, and sometimes even ashamed for not being able to find that person who is right for me.
So I stuck with those feelings of being unloved and unwanted for many years. What accompanied me all these years are the numerous articles, books and videos that I’ve read and watched about love. I also accompanied myself through these rough years of deep insecurities and self-doubt with lots of self-reflection, and here are 2 things I’ve learnt over all these years:
1.It takes time to find someone compatible, but never focus on looking for “the one”
When I first met my boyfriend, I thought that “hey, this guy is someone that I’m so comfortable with. With him, my thoughts flow and I no longer have to worry about whether I’m the “cool girl”, or if I sound dumb in any of our conversations”. I instantly knew that he was someone I wanted to go on more dates with, but I never once thought of him as “the one”. I knew that though it was so rare that I felt comfortable with someone on a first date, there will be another person out there that I can click with on an equally earnest level. Approaching him in a completely relaxed manner and knowing that I do not have to impress him helped immensely in approaching the new relationship.
Learn to figure out what are some of your personal telltale signs for compatibility. Many people find things like humour and romanticism to be important in a partner, and look out for those heart-pounding emotions to feel attracted to him/her. But as someone in the past wisely put it, “if you meet someone who makes your heart flutter and your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet someone compatible, he will make you feel secure, calm and safe.”
2. Learning how to be gentle to yourself is the key to a healthy relationship
I was always someone who reflected deeply on my habits, thoughts and daily life. I would trace my views and thoughts down to the root causes, and for my views on love, it often stems from my childhood. But stopping at fault-tracing will simply harbour hate for people who have played a role in my childhood- my parents, my friends (and bullies), my teachers and more. The onus is on all of us, as adults, to learn how best to heal our own insecurities.
The fundamental way of healing is to truly learn how to speak to yourself in a non-judgmental way when you’re feeling worthless and undeserving. It is one of the toughest ways to tackle this issue but trust me, it is the only long-lasting way out. Only then can you bring out this side of you to your partner. Only then can you take a step back to understand the problems that both of you are facing, in a calm and collected manner.
One way I’ve learnt to cope with my own lows is to conduct a self-podcast. A self-podcast, in short, is about letting everything out and hearing yourself speak about thoughts you may be afraid of hearing. It can be hurtful and dark thoughts, it can be thoughts of hate, but what matters is hearing yourself out loud. It can be one of the best ways to directly confront the negative thought and belief. You can follow up by saying out loud, “yes, that’s how I think about ____. I know that (a certain influence- be it family, friends, past trauma) has caused me to perpetually feel this way, but I have to take responsibility to heal. What is something small that I can start doing about it?” This repositions your stance to a non-judgmental and proactive one, to solve the problem instead of pushing blame.
One of the key benefits to self-podcast is the freedom to let your thoughts be heard, yet maintaining the secrecy of those thoughts. If you’re self-conscious about spilling your secrets in front of your therapist who can still feel like a stranger to you, a self-podcast can potentially serve you well. The only thing that is beneficial about engaging a professional therapist is the thought guidance in the early stages so that you can more proactively look at segregated problems. Once you’ve got a big picture of what those problems are, anyone can do self-therapy and self-podcast, at any time.
A self podcast is highly beneficial for anyone who wants greater self-awareness and self-acceptance, and to support your own growth as a human being without depending on your partner to do so. You’ll be able to take responsibility for yourself without having to rely on your partner to hold you accountable, and that kind of freedom and power is everything.
Let our past trauma not define who we can be, and let us all learn to become mentally stronger individuals in the coming year, for our family, friends, partners, and most importantly, for ourselves.
